FUNNY CHRISTMAS TALES

Here are a few short funny Christmas stories to keep you relaxed this Christmas.

The Tale of the Traditional Christmas Pudding

Martha decided to move with the times and try the delights of microwave cooking.  Whereupon, her devoted husband Archie went out and bought her a brand new top-of-the range Sharp Microwave oven.

Christmas approached and Martha got out her Christmas pudding recipe and assembled the ingredients.  She proceeded along traditional lines and even got the each member of the family to stir the mixture 'for luck'. When Martha consulted the microwave's manual for the cooking time, she could not believe that ten minutes would be enough for a traditional Christmas pudding.  Consequently she decided to substitute her normal cooking time of 50 minutes.

As Martha was in the lounge watching her favourite T.V. programme she did not see the pudding spitting in the microwave oven, nor did she hear the mini-explosions.  When she finally extracted the pudding from the microwave after nearly an hour of cooking on 'High', it smelt of burnt sugar and looked like a ball of tar.  Naturally, the Christmas pudding was a disaster, so much so, that Martha could not even prod it with a fork.  In fact the black ball stuck to the bottom of the bowl and Archie had to get a screwdriver to prize it from its base.

In a fit of pique, Martha threw the shrivelled Christmas pudding to Togo her St Bernard puppy.  After a few days she could see the funny side, and Togo loved his new indestructible toy, which amused him until the next Christmas.

Amusing Christmas Turkey Story

Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, 'Richard doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'

'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.'

'No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.'

'Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,' says her mum.  'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'

'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey.  It was the aeroplane ticket.'  "Aeroplane ticket...." What did you need an airplane ticket for?'

'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: "Prepare from a frozen state," so I flew to Alaska.'

Christmas Queue Folly

Just before Christmas I was shopping at a toy fayre in Worcester

I glanced to my left and caught sight of a queue at the doll counter; they were waiting for the shelves to be restocked with Mattel dolls.  As I looked I realised that in the queue was a good friend of mine.  Knowing Lennie well I was sure that he had no daughters nor did he have any nieces so I wondered why he should want to buy a doll at Christmas time'

'Hey, Lennie,' I cried, 'I hadn't realised you collected dolls.'
'I don't,' he replied laughing'

'Really,' I queried, 'then you must be buying a Christmas present then?'
'No, not at all, my friend,' responded Lennie, his eyes twinkling merrily'

'If you don't mind my asking then Lennie,' I said, 'Why exactly are you standing in this particular queue?'

'Oh that,' he giggled. 'It's like this, my mate,' he mused, 'I've never been able to resist a Barbie queue.'

Short Funny Xmas Story

Just before Xmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the lift (elevator) at the Ritz Hotel in London.  As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a £50 note lying on the lift's floor.

Which one picked up the £50 note, and handed it in at reception?

Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!

Footnote: This yarn was sent in by John Bains:
Please send us your short funny Christmas stories

The Christmas Hold-up Tale

It was Christmas Eve; the department store manager was in his office just paying off Father Christmas.   All of a sudden a teenager and ordered the manager to hand-over the not inconsiderable takings. 

The manager was wondering what to do, so the teenager attempted to fire his gun in order to make the manager's mind, and open the till and hand over the money.  Although the robber pulled the trigger, nothing happened, so unbelievably, he peered down the barrel and then fired again.

This time it worked.

A Nice Drink - Funny Story at Christmas

Two days before Christmas Jimmy set-off in his minibus to collect a batch of open prison inmates.  His mission, as usual, was to take them for their radiation treatment at a nearby hospital.  Since it was Christmas, one of the 12 offered to buy Jimmy a drink.  So they stopped off at the Rose and Crown pub, and all had a nice drink.  On the way out Jimmy detoured to the gents, when he came out of the loo, all the prisoners had disappeared.  He looked in all the pub's bars, drove around for half an hour, no sign of the inmates.  They had all made their escape.

What could Jimmy do?  Thinking quickly, he braked at a particularly long bus queue, and told the waiting people that he was a relief bus.  Where-upon he picked up the first 12 and drove them to the open prison.  He then radioed ahead to the warders giving a 'Code Yellow' message.  This was a pre-arranged signal that some of the prisoners were playing up.  Jimmy unloaded his passengers, he then beat a hasty retreat.  Amazingly, his trickery wasn't discovered until the New Year. 

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